To: the goat herd
Subject: telemarketer phone calls
Date: Mon 26 May 2008 12:38:54 -0600
i've been messing with telemarketers since the mid-90s . . . i figured, hey, they're not going to go away and they're not going to stop calling. sooo . . . why not inject a little humor into their day. give them something to chuckle over with their co-workers. i mean, come on, think about what it must be like to work their job . . .
whenever i'm in the mood (which is quite often), i respond to telemarketer phone calls with some of the goofiest responses. here are some of my personal favorites that i've used for years:
1. keep saying in a loud overly-excited voice: "did i win a prize??? did i win a prize??? you gotta tell me, did i win a prize???"
2. repeat the last word of each of their questions in a deep monotone long-drawn-out voice. ex: "may i please speak with bob?" "bbbbbbboooooooooooobbbbb." "is bob there?" "ttttthhhhheeerrrrrrrrrrrrreee." "who am i speaking with?" "wwwwwwwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttthhhhhhh."
3. ask them honestly: what do you think of your job? how much do you get paid? by the phone call? by the minute? hourly? do you have a quota to meet? what happened in your life that you are reduced to a telemarketer? you seem like a really good people-person. have you considered a career in cosmetology or as a dental hygienist?
4. with mock interest, keep responding with: "i didn't realize that." "oh, you don't say now." "really." "oh my . . ." "you're kidding."
5. answer the phone with: "hey bob. 'sup man?" after the telemarketer explains that they are not bob, tell him OR her that you were expecting a call from bob. hey, wait a minute, this must be bob - your number showed up on my caller id. bob, stop messin' with me . . . oh cut it out. i know this is you bob.
6. this works with cell phone and call plans. just keep ramblin' on and on and on, even if they are talking. the challenge - see how much of the story you can cover before the telemarketer hangs up: "what kinda range could i get with that there cell phone of yours? i thinks i might have a good use for a cell phone ifn i can 'ford one. ya see, i lives down here in the holler and my still's about a couple miles up the hill thru them woods there. when i'm a-cookin' up there at my still, i usually post jim-bob on the front stoop to watch out for them feds. them feds are a-always a-snoopin' 'round tryin' to find my still. but they ain't never found it yet 'causa my good ole blue heeler name a 'Sue Bea' but she's a-gettin' mighty old now. used to be when them feds came 'round, jim-bob there would sick ole Sue Bea to fetch me and she'd a-come a-runnin' but she's old now, 'thritis got her joints bad so's she can hardly walk much less run and she's blind in one eye and got a cataract on the other so when she does tries to run she keeps bumpin' into trees and knockin' herself out. poor ole hound. i thought i coulda raise me another good heeler like Sue Bea. she's had about 11 litters of pups now. lemme see now. how manya pups would that make now. she hada 5 the first time around and 6 more after that but 2 of them died and then the next . . . hhhmmmmm . . . lemme see now if i can dun cipher that there number . . . nearest i can calc'late that'd be 54 pups. and not a one of 'em worth a flip. just lazy ole hounds who mostly justs lays around wantin' their food fed to them. can you believe that!!! no respect to their ma at all. course'n that maybe Sue Bea's own fault cause'n she was such a good ole dog that she could do anything and everything 'til she got old and blind." usually the telemarketer will hang up after the second mention of the feds - probably because they cain't get a word in edge-wise. once a telemarketer hung on long enough for me to get to cipherin the litters of pups. Sue Bea sure enough does make for a good story. it takes all the control that i can muster to stay in character and not just a bust out a laughin. good ole Sue Bea . . .
7. one of my latest responses came about unexpectedly while re-reading my most favoritest book of all time: Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck. i answered the phone "hal-low" using lennie's voice. that kinda even caught me off guard. after the telemarketer had finished their spiel, i continued as lennie saying: tell me the story again george. ya know. 'bout how i'll tend the rabbits. you told me george, that i get to tend the rabbits. and i will too, george. you'll see. i can do a real good thing, george. i'll get alfalfa for them every mornin so that they has fresh hay to eat. and i will make sure that they has water to drink and that they stays warm in the winter and cool in the summer. you'll see, george. i can tend the rabbits real good, george. and none of them rabbits is gonna die. i will be reel careful, george. i promise . . .
AND if you get one of those pre-recorded messages with no live person to mess with, keep pressing and holding random numbers on your keypad. their computer will think that they've contacted a fax machine and will remove your number from their call list. well, hopefully their computer will send a message to someone in the office to give you a call . . .
have y'all heard of ze frank??? he has the greatest sense of humor!!! on his website, he has listed some additonal telemarketer responses:
once i found his "do not call" responses, i added them to my repertoire. i actually printed his whole list of responses and kept them next to my phone. i've made it thru the entire list of 20 many times over and then some. hahaha!!!
my MOST favorites are:
3. Say you are hard of hearing and see how loud they will shout into the phone. (this one is sooo much fun. ex: "say what? . . . say what? . . . hon, you are a-gonna have to speak up some now. i'm a-hard a-hearin' . . . say what? . . . say what? . . . hey, jedidiah junior, how do you work this here con-fangled-traption? say what? . . . oh, dag-nabbit!!! i done forget to put my hearing aid in. hold on a minute" . . . and then proceed to dig thru drawers making all kinds of noise and if the telemarketer is still on the line . . . "say what? . . . i cain't find my hearin' aid anywhere . . . say what? . . ." see if anyone asks to speak with jedidiah junior)
4. Allow the telemarketer to fully explain his offer. When he is finished explain that his company hired you to randomly spot check telemarketers on their performance. Tell him that he did a good job overall, but that he is a bit monotone and needs to fluctuate his tone of voice more to sound convincing. He also should pause longer between sentences, and more clearly pronounce the letter “s”. Tell him you won’t report him if he repeats his speech to you with the appropriate corrections. Repeat. (excellent!!!)
9. Keep repeating, “I knew you were going to say that” (too hilarious!!!)
14. Ask if he will be your friend if you sign up. (ooohhhhh this one really throws them off!!!)
hope y'all got a good ole chuckle out of it all.
bet everbuddy jest kawls me deuw