Wednesday, June 11, 2008

5 - another coded message

To: the goat herd
Subject: 5 - another coded message
Date: Wed, 11 Jun 2008 18:37:23 -0500


February 
6th 

dear 
diary:

eat the money?!?!? that's sooo funny!!! what an interesting phrase. 


of course, 
with 
deuw's 
under-
standing 
of the 
stock 
market, 
a person could eat their investment of steerz n hawgz and still have enough left over to sell at jeb pritchett's sale barn

and reinvest those funds back into the stock markit.

i wonder if mr jon kertuss thinks that deuw is writing to him using some sorta intensely complicated code?


i imagine that conversation would go something like this . . .

"my partners and i have spent hours attempting to decode your mail. very intelligent of you to use coded messages in case any of this information should fall into the wrong hands.

but we are experiencing some difficulty in deciphering certain aspects of your elaborate vocabulary. we must first translate your mail into french (which is what we speak) then prepare a response and convert that message into english. we are attempting to duplicate your coded vocabulary as best we can."

little does he realize that that is simply the way that deuw speaks. well, writes. well, thinks. good ole deuw - what a character he is!!!


i've begun 
thinking about 
ash wednesday 
cuz everyone's 
talking about 
what they are 
giving up for 
lent.

well, i don't eat enough chocolate for that to count as any type of abstinence
and 
there is 
NO 
way 
that 
i'm 
going to 
give up 
drinking 
wine 
for 
40 
days.

deuw and i have become good ole drinkin' buddies - he sips his shine and i sips my wine and we just have such a good ole time owt thare in pig swamp holler. sometimes we get to laughing sooo hard about this crazy enternashunel banken skam that deuw can hardly speak and i can hardly type. no i can't give up wine for lent. sipping a few glasses of wine really helps me get into thus hare deuw-speek.

sooo driving home from work tonight thinking about how much crazier can i make this whole story and still get mr jon kertuss to respond,

i realized 
that the perfect thing 
for me 
to give up 
for lent would be 
reality.

i'm giving up reality for lent. i thought to myself, self i says, now that's something worth while to give up for 40 days . . .

excerpts from "the international bankers' professional dictionary of deuw-speak"
bie - buy
infourmaeshunz - information
inheritated - inherited
savindee - seventy
penalteez - penalties



wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

From: "everbuddee jest kawlz me"   deuw wvdeuw@yahoo.com
Date: Wed, 6 Feb 2008 14:20:11 -0800 (PST)
To: "Jon W. Kertuss"   jon.w.kertuss.2711@yahoo.fr
Subject: Fwd: QUESTIONNAIRE FROM INTERNATIONAL INVESTORS BANK

hae thare mr jon kertuss.

whin i camed two the kabin four dinner time at noon mie dawter seuw-
deen wuz jest a jumpen up n down n a jumpen up n down n a jumpen up n down like a kat wit its tale kawt in a mouse trap. i teld her two settle down now. settle down. u iz lieble two bust rite own thru tham thare floowr bowrds.

wunce she finelee kalmed hersef she teld me thet thare wuz thus hare male frum thet thare bank in west afreeka n i sed reebah dun bin hare awl reedee thus mornen n she sed no paps. thet's whut she kawlz me. paps. cuz i iz her pa. everbuddee else jest kawlz me deuw.

she 
sed 
thet thare 
bank 
cent 

elektronikel 
male.

oh i sed jest like thet thare mr jon kertuss duz awl uv the time.


iz thet thare the samed bank thet u iz a werkin at. thet bank kawled enternashunel invasterz bank. dew u knowz thus hare goomer thet cent thus male.


jest like u sed thae wuz a needin sum more infourmaeshunz sew i thawt i batter lets u knowz sewz u ken teld me whut i shood tellz tham. thae sed thet thae cent sumthang wit thet male bet i kood nut find anee kind uv inveelope two opin. whin mie gransun steuw-deen gits hare i well haz him lookt at awl thus hare. he knowz a hole lot more bowt thus hare komputen masheen than i duz sew maebe he ken figer thet part owt.

anee waze thae sed thet thae needed thus more infourmaeshunz bie tweentee four werkin hourz sew we gots sum time two figer owt whut two sae. twodae i be a werkin bowt ten uv tham hourz.

it iz a reel bizee dae twodae. i iz brewin up a big ole batch uv mie rhuematizm medasine cuz uv thus hare kold snap n thet stuff ken shore a nuff warm a bodeez bonez n everbuddee iz asken four more n more. whie i ken barelee kep up wit the deemand.

than twomarrow i problee wunt werk sew mulch cuz i well be in town sum sincen therzdae iz awl waze the checkerz tournamint.


sew the wae i iz a ciefferin it we gots til the end uv the dae own fridae two git an answer own back two the bank.

u jest lets me knowz whut awl u thinks bowt thare male. dew u thinks thae iz legit. whutever u tellz me two tellz tham i well tellz tham. thank u mulch four awl the hep wit thus hare matter.

cencerelee deuw

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Date: Wed, 6 Feb 2008 06:44:34 -0500
From: izeak.w.abeidouly-wayeziou@i.i.b-s.a.l.d.waf
To: "everbuddee jest kawlz me deuw"   wvdeuw@yahoo.com
Subject: QUESTIONNAIRE FROM INTERNATIONAL INVESTORS BANK

ATTN / DILFERD THEDEUS DEUWTHRESHER

NOTE / THIS BANK BEING INTERNATIONAL INVESTORS BANK - SAVINGS AND LOAN DIVISION - WEST AFRICA WISH TO INFORM YOU TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS AS THE NEXT OF KIN OF THE LATE MR. HAUNCEL D. MUELLER OVER THE CLAIM OF YOUR INHERITANCE FUND OF $14,000,000 WITH REFERENCE TO YOUR TEXT OF APPLICATION SUBMITTED TO THIS BANK.

OPEN YOUR ATTACHMENT FOR THE QUESTIONS AND COMPLY WITH THIS BANK DIRECTIVES WITHIN 24 WORKING HOURS. IF FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH THIS BANK DIRECTIVES, YOUR APPLICATION FORM WILL BE AUTOMATICALLY CANCELLED.

FOR THE TEXT OF APPLICATION YOU FILED AND SUBMITTED TO THIS BANK, THERE IS NO ACCOUNT NUMBER WHERE THE FUND WILL BE TRANSFERED AND NO TELEPHONE OR FAX NUMBER. YOU ARE HERE BY ADVISED TO COMPLETE YOUR APPLICATION TO ENABLE YOUR APPLICATION TO BE PROCESSED ACCORDING TO OUR BANKING PROCEDURES.

THANK YOU.
MR. IZEAK W. ABEIDOULY-WAYEZIOU

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INTERNATIONAL BANK - SnLd - WEST AFRICA


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1 comment:

scottE-deuw said...

here is the original reply that deuw sent to mr jon kertuss written in deuw-speek:

Date: Wed, 6 Feb 2008 14:20:11 -0800 (PST)
From: erbudee jist kawl mee deuw wvdeuw@yahoo.com
To: Jon W. Kertuss jon.w.kertuss.2711@yahoo.fr
Subject: Fwd: QUESTIONNAIRE FROM INTERNATIONAL INVESTORS BANK

hae thaer mr jon kertuss. whin i caem tu thu kaben fer denair tiem et newen mi dawter seuw-deen wuz jist ajempen ep n dowen n ajempen ep n dowen n ajempen ep n dowen liek a kat wit ets tael kawt en a mowes traep. i teld heer tu setel dowen noew. setel dowen. u iz lieble tu buwest riet owen thru thaem thaer flowr bowrdz. wunce shee fienlee kalmd heersef shee teld mee thet thaer wuz theis heer mael frum thet thaer benk en weast afreeka n i sed rebah dun bin heer awlredee theis mawnen n shee sed noe paps. thets whut shee kawlz mee. paps. cuz i iz heer paw. erbudee els jist kawl me deuw. shee sed thet thaer benk sand a elektronikel mael. owh i sez jist liek mr jon kertuss duz awl uv thu tiem.

iz thet thaer thu saem benk thet u iz a werkin et. thet benk kawld enternashunel envesterz benk. dew u knoewz theis heer goomer thet cent theis mael.

jist liek u sed thae wuz a neaden sum moer enfermashuns sew i thawt i betr laet u knoew sew u ken teld mee whut i shuwd teld thaem. thae sed thet thae cent sumtheng wit thet mael bet i kuwd nut fiend enee kiend uv enveelop tu opin. whin mi grensun steuw-deen gits heer i wael haev hem lewk et awl theis heer. hee knoewz a hoel lewt moer bowt theis heer kumpuwetin masheen thaen i dew sew maebee hee ken figer thet pert owt.

eneewaez thae sed thet thae neaded theis moer enfermashuns bi twenee fower werken owrs sew wee git sum tiem tu figer owt whut tu sae. tudae i bea werken bowt taen uv thaem owrs. et iz a reel bizee dae tudae. i iz broowen ep a bieg ole betch uv mi rumatiz mideseen cuz uv theis heer kowld snaep n thet stuf ken shuer nuff werm a budeez boens n erbudee iz asken fer moer n moer. whi i ken bawrlee kep ep wit the deemaened. thaen tumawree i problee wunt werk sew muwch cuz i wael bea en towen sum sinsen thurzdae iz awl waez thu chekerz tearnemint. sew thu wae i em a ciferen et wee git til thu eand uv thu dae owen friedae tu git en ansewr beck tu thu benk.

u jist laet mee knoew whut awl u thenk bowt thaer mael. dew u thenk thae r legit. whutevr u teld mee tu teld thaem i wael teld thaem. thenk u muwch fer awl uwr hep wit theis heer mater.

cencerelee deuw