Wednesday, June 4, 2008

3 - now this is unreal

To: the goat herd
Subject: 3 - now this is unreal
Date: Wed, 4 Jun 2008 18:14:03 -0500

02/01/08: somehow deuw's gibberish was
deciphered. this is just too hilarious!!! so i decided that since good ole deuw was going to get involved in international banking, i better set him up with his own email address and see how far this could possibly go . . .

i think i also better start a journal to keep track of deuw's thought processes and reasonings if he has any. good ole deuw - he's just sooo oblivious!!!

now i do have to give credit where credit is due:

i've spent years watching reruns of the beverly hillbillies over and over again - it's one of my favorite shows. i've always thought how much fun it would have been to be a writer for that show - if it can be confused, misunderstood and misinterpreted, then the clampett clan would confuse, misunderstand and misinterpret anything and everything. 
i wonder if deuw is somehow related to them???

i guess if shows such as 

"my name is earl"

and "ugly betty"

and "lost" (i love that show) 

and "men in trees"

and "eli stone"

can be so popular today, maybe the viewing audience is ready for "the 21st century global adventures of deuw" - note to self: better contact my agent 

mr JB de Bodine

and see if there might be a viable market for this stuff!!! 

and some of the credit is due to the fact that when i was younger i read a lot of kurt vonnegut, doonesbury, and jd salinger, and listened to everything that frank zappa ever recorded (now that guy was a creative comedian). and back then there may have been a few mind altering chemicals involved also . . . some of the few who know about this project that i'm working on have claimed that i may be experiencing a bit of a flash-back bet i iz jist fien. reelee i iz.

deuw may also need a dictionary in order to better communicate with international bankers (or possibly the bankers may need the dictionary in order to better understand deuw). he might even improve his spelling a bit. so i've created "the international bankers' professional dictionary of deuw-speak" which will be available for sale on eBay at the low introductory price of 29.95 (limit 3 per person).
sample excerpts:
aferd - afford
enkress - increase
munee - money 


Date: Fri, 1 Feb 2008 08:06:31 +0100 (CET)
From: "Jon W. Kertuss"
To: "scottE"

Dear dilferd thedeus deuwthresher ,

I received your mail and have filled the text of application and have submitted it to the bank on your behalf as the next of kin of late Mr. Hauncel D. Mueller . This is what I filled that the bank should contact you through mail to avoid the bank asking you a question that you might not be able to answer.

You have to verify your mail dailly to know the time that the bank will contact you and anytime you hear or receive any mail from the bank, I want you to forward it to me so that i will go through it and direct you on what to do. Please send your telephone and fax number so that i will attached it in your file.



and deuw's response:

From: "everbuddee jest kawlz me deuw"
Date: Fri, 1 Feb 2008 23:05:24 -0800 (PST)
To: "Jon W. Kertuss"
Subject: Re: BEST REGARD

glade u iz a understanden bowt mie repullshun two the bank. sendin tham milleonz thru the male werks owt jest grate four me. uv kourse thare iz a kupple uv thangs thet i haz two git dun ifn thus hare deel iz gonna happin in ten daze n thus hare iz the sekund dae awl reedee.

granee iz jest sew joid bowt gettin awl thus dun sew kwick like. she well be awl heelt up frum her surgeree bie the timez thet her nixt brewd uv hatchlingz well be alawng n she well be gettin rownd reel good comez planten time.

ever therzdae nite i goez two town two plae checkerz at dawgless jonez genneral drie goodz store.

good ole dawgless iz a good ole freind. dawgless iz the therd genneraeshun two run thet store. the store wuz stairted bie hiz granpa buddee epsum hoo wuz faemus four maken sowken sawlts. whin hiz granpa reetired frum thet store than hiz unkle jedd ranned the store. whin hiz unkle jedd reetired frum thet store than hiz pa barnabee jonez ranned the store. whin hiz pa reetired frum thet store than good ole dawgless took over runnin the store n he tellz everbuddee thet he aint never gonna reetire.

sew anee waze i wunt two town lest nite four hour reguliar checkerz tournamint n figered i wood pick up a kupple uv bolts uv ticken four granee two makes sum more mattreesez two put awl tham milleonz in whin thae gits hare

n she iz jest a sewin awae thus mornin two beet the band.

whie she haz thet treaddle a spinnen sew fast thet spairks iz a flyin everwhare. thare iz jest nut much slowen thet woman down.

i knowz u wuz a wanten two kep thus awl more sekret like 

bet i deed haz two tell
bowt a big packege 
arriven soon.

how big uv a packege wood awl tham milleonz make. i dint teld her whut wuz a gonna be in thet thare big packege bet granee n me figered she mite need two dubble her mewl teem n git a bigger wagin in order two pullz it awl the wae own owt two hour place.

awl sew i haz two git thet thare walken bridge reepaired again sincen the krick roze lest week n wersht a part uv the bridge down streem. reebah jest dunt comez neer the krick now cuz uv her feer uv gaterz. see mie grate gransun skeeter-deen haz thus hare pat gater n i iz awl the time a telden reebah thet she haz nothin two be afeerd uv cuz u knowz thet gater iz rite parshell two humanz.

i kep a telden reebah thet u knowz thet skeeter-deen dun raized thet gater frum wun uv tham eggz thet he dun fownd at the familee reunion thet we had down thare in floreeda n thet gater thinks thet he iz a human n thet skeeter-deen iz hiz ma sew u dunt have nothin two be afeerd bowt bet reebah jest well nut listen two reesun. 

sew anee waze reebah aint deelivert no male sincen the flud cuz wit awl thet high watter the gater dun gots owt uv the tank n now he iz a swimmen awl up n down the krick. uv kourse i iz kind uv liken haven thet gater patrolz. a sevin foot gater reellee heps two kep awl the riff raff at bae. ha ha ha. reebah dun teld me thet i kood ither fix thet thare bridge or jest comez pick up mie own packege. bet i aint gots no wagin . . . rite now anee waze. bet boihowdee u ken betcha thet i well have the biggest most prettiest wagin ever wunce tham thare milleonz git hare. n a matchen mewl teem awl sew.

i iz a been karefull bowt nut kounten tham chickenz afour thae iz hatchted bet i jest kaint hep miesef frum a dreemin bowt whut i ken dew wit awl tham milleonz. whie i dew haz sum grate planz. grate planz i tellz u. i well be sat four life. mostlee i iz a thinken bowt the stock markit.

granee agreez thet wood be putten thoze milleonz two werk in a sensable manner. besidez inkreesin mie goat hurd we kood aferd two raze a kupple uv steerz n sum hawgz ever seesun four butcherin time in the fawl n sum extrees two takes two jeb pritchetts sale barn n seld own the markit. whut a grand life thus iz a gonna be. thanks u kindlee four inklewdin me.

bie the bie. u sed thet deceest fellaz name wuz miller. i wunder ifn he wuz anee reelaeshunz two the miller klan over thare own seeder ridge. ifn he wuz than it iz a good thang thet we iz a kepin thus awl sekrit like. thet grewp iz nothin bet trubble makin horse theeves n wood be lieble two klaim thae wuz reelatives uv thet deceest fella name uv miller jest four the munee. thare iz jest no trusten sum fowlk.

cencerelee deuw

copyright © 2008 - 940farms - all rights reserved


Anonymous said...

this all iz sew krazie!!! and funnie!!! great idear two post this on a blog!!! kaint wait two reed more!!! robert

scottE-deuw said...

here is the original reply that deuw sent to mr jon kertuss written in deuw-speek:

From: everbuddee jest kawlz me deuw
Date: Fri, 1 Feb 2008 23:05:24 -0800 (PST)
To: Jon W. Kertuss

glaed u iz enderstenden bowt mi repulshun tu thu benk. senden thaem milleunz thru thu mael werks owt jist graet fer mee. coursen thaer iz a kupl uv thengs thet i git tu git dun ifn theis heer deul iz goen tu heppin en taen daez n theis heer iz thu sekend dae awl redee.

granee iz jist sew joid bowt giten awl theis dun sew kwik liek. shee wael bea awl heeled ep frum heer sergeree bi thu tiem heer nixt brewd uv hatchlinz wael bea a lawng n shee wael bea giten rowund reel guwd coem plaenten tiem.

evree thurzdae niet i goez tu towen tu plae chekerz et dawgles jonez jenerel drie guwdz stower. guwd ole dawgles iz a guwd ole freind. dawgles iz thu therd jenerashun tu ruen thet stower. thu stower wuz staerted bi hiz grenpaw buddee epsom whu wuz faemus fer maeken soawken sawlts. whin hiz grenpaw retierd frum thet stower thaen hiz unkel jedd raen thu stower. whin hiz unkel jedd retierd frum thet stower thaen hiz paw bawrnabee raen thu stower. whin hiz paw retierd frum thet stower thaen guwd ole dawgles jonez towk ovr ruenen thu stower n hee sez thet hee aint nvr goen tu retier. sew eneewaez i wunt tu towen lest niet fer owr regler chekerz tearnemint n figered i wuwd peck ep a kupl uv bowlts uv ticken fer granee tu maek sum moer matrisez tu puwet awl thaem milleunz en whin thae gits heer n shee iz jist a sewin awae theis mawnen tu beet thu baend. whi shee hez git thet tredel a spienen sew fest thet spaerks iz flien erwhaer. thaer iz jist nut muwch slowen thet womaen dowen.

i knoew u wuz a wunten tu kep theis awl moer sekrit liek bet i deed hafta teld rebah thu mael ladee bowt a bieg pakag ariven suen. houwe bieg uv a pakag wuwd awl thaem milleunz maek. i dint teld heer whut wuz goen tu bea en thet thaer bieg pakag bet granee n mee figered shee miet nead tu duble heer mewl teem n gits a bieger wagin en owrder tu poel et awl thu waez owen owt tu owr plaec.

continued . . .

scottE-deuw said...

continued . . .

awlsew i git tu git thet thaer wawlken briedge repaered agen sinsen thu crik rowz lest weak n wersht a pert uv thu briedge dowen streem. rebah jist dowent coem neer thu crik noew cuz uv heer feer uv gaterz. seez mi graet grensun skeeter-deen hez theis paet gater n i iz awl thu tiem a telden rebah thet shee hez nuten tu bea feerd uv cuz u knoew thet gater iz riet parshul tu huwmenz. i kep a telden rebah thet u knoew thet skeeter-deen dun raezed thet gater frum thet eeg thet hee dun fownd et thu famelee reuwneun thet wee hed dowen thaer en flowridee n thet gater thenks thet hee iz a huwmen n thet skeeter-deen iz hiz maw sew u dowent haev nuten tu bea feerd bowt bet rebah jist wael nut lissen tu reesun. sew eneewaez rebah aint deleivered noe mael sinsen thu flud cuz wit awl thet hiegh whoater thu gater dun git owt uv thu taenk n noew hee iz a swiemen awl ep n dowen thu crik. coursen i iz kiend uv liekin haevin thet gater patrul. a saven fowt gater reelee heps tu kep awl thu riff raff et bae. haw haw haw. rebah dun teld mee thet i kuwd ither feix thet thaer briedge owr jist coem peck ep mi owen pakag. bet i aint git noe wagin . . . riet noew eneewaez. bet boihouwedee u ken betcha thet i wael haev thu biegest mowest purdiest wagin evr wunce thaem milleunz git heer. n a metchen mewl teem awlsew.

i iz a beaen kaerful bowt nut kounten thaem chekins afower thae iz hetched bet i jist caint hep misef frum a dreemen bowt whut i ken dew wit awl thaem milleunz. whi i dew haev sum graet plaens. graet plaens i teld u. i weal bea saet fer lief. mowestlee i iz athenken bowt thu stawck maerkit. granee agreaz thet wuwd bea puweten thoz milleunz tu werk en a cenzabel maener. beasiedz enkressen mi gowat hurd wee kuwd aferd tu raez a kupl uv steerz n sum hawgz evree ceesun fer butcheren tiem en thu fawl n sum extrees tu taek tu jeb pritchetts sael bawrn n cell owen thu maerkit. whut a grend lief theis iz a goen tu bea. thenk u kiendlee fer inkluwdin mee.

bi thu bi. u sed thet deeceect fellerz naem wuz miller. i wunder ifn hee wuz enee reelashunz tu thu miller klan ovr thaer owen ceder riedge. ifn hee wuz et iz a guwd theng thet wee iz akepen theis awl sekrit liek. thet grouwp iz nuten bet truble maeken howrse theeves n wuwd bea lieble tu klaem thae wuz reelatievs uv thet deeceect feller naemt uv miller jist fer thu munee. thaer iz jist noe tresten sum fowlk.

cencerelee deuw

copyright © 2008 - 940farms - all rights reserved