all the years that i've spent messing with the telemarketers on my home phone worked sooo good that it's gotten to the point that we hardly receive any calls anymore. it was a lot of fun, quite entertaining but i do sorta miss the laughs.
sooo . . . i thought i'd see what would happen if i replied to a spam email.
received this spam in my generic school research yahoo account which
has none of my personal information attached, not even my name, so i
thought "what the hey" and i sent off a reply never expecting a reply
back. BUT they did reply . . . i never could have predicted that one
simple little email would evolve into the hilarious story that it has
become - it's about a ole hillbilly by the name of deuw who lives out in
the hill country of west virginia
and he gets all
involved in this international banking scam on the internet. this has
turned out to be the craziest, funniest, weirdest writing that i've done
in a long, long time.
a while back i started sending out
segments of the story in email format to various friends across the
nation (the goat herd) and they encouraged me to set it all up in a blog
for anyone to enjoy.
some members of "the goat herd" had a
difficult time understanding my writing as the character "deuw" but he
actually writes words phonetically - the way that they sound. i call it
deuw-speak. if my spell checker had practically every word underlined in
red, then i knew that i had spelled everything correctly.
hope y'all get a good ole chuckle out of it all.
To: the goat herd
Subject: 1 - ever receive one of these emails???
Date: Mon, 26 May 2008 15:17:53 -0500
likely, everyone has rec'd one of these spam emails. you know the ones:
there is an abandoned bank account in some foreign country and an
american account is needed to transfer the funds out of the foreign
country . . . blah . . . blah . . . blah . . .
when i rec'd this spam email:
FROM THE DESK OF MR JON KERTUSS
AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT
FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT
INTERNATIONAL BANK - SnLd - WEST AFRICA
i thought: what the hay. they don't even know my real name.
only sending excerpts of the original spam because this here MR JON
KERTUSS can just go on and on and on about ". . . a very huge sum of
money belonging to a deceased depositor, a foreigner who died in october
1999 in a plane crash and the fund has been dormant in his account with
the bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his
family or relation . . . The amount involved is USD $14m (fourteen
million united states dollars) . . ."
then MR JON KERTUSS goes on
to say, ". . . As it may interest you to know, I got your impressive
information through an international business enquiry on Internet. I
beleive you will be viable and capable to champion a business of such
magnitude without any problem . . ."
really??? what impressive
information??? he doesn't even know my name . . . international business
enquiry??? viable and capable???
the reason that MR JON KERTUSS
needs an american bank account to transfer the funds is because " . . .
of my position in this country as a civil servant, we are not allowed to
operate a foreign account and would eventually raise an eyebrow on my
side during the time of transfer because I work in this bank. This is
the actual reason why it will require a second party or fellow who will
forward claims as the next of kin with affidavit of trust of Oath to the
bank and also present a foreign account where he will need the money to
be re-transfered into, on his request as it may be after due
verification and clarification to designated bank account . . ."
" . . . I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free . . ." OH REALLY?!?!?!?
what's in it for me??? the hook, " . . . On smooth conclusion of this
transaction, you will be entitled to 30% of the total sum as
gratification, while 10% will be set aside to take care of expenses that
may be incurred during the time of transfer such as telephone bills
etc, while 60% will be for me and my partners. Please, you have been
advised to keep top-secret as we are still in service and intend to
retire from service after we conclude this deal with you . . . "
TOP-SECRET?!?!?!? i wonder how many people they send this spam?
oh man, this just seems like a deal that's just way to good to pass up.
let's just see how professionally impressive i can make my reply to
such a grand offer . . .
Date: January 31st 05:29:41 -0800 (PST)
From: "scottE" scottE77777@yahoo.com
To: "Jon W. Kertuss" firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: Re: FROM THE DESK OF MR JON KERTUSS
well now mr jon kertuss. u shore messt bee a trusten sowl kunsidern u dunt evin knowz me et awl. 30% uv 14m kood comez in rite handee two me.
i kood reelee inkrees mie goat hurd wit thet thare kind uv munee. hooo-weee.
whi i kood evin put up a grate big high elektronikel gawrd fens
two kep owt tham thare peskee kiowteez hoo iz awl thu timez a trien two et mie lil babee goat kidds.
dawgeez. thet thare kind uv munee shore duz sownd reel good.
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