Monday, June 2, 2008

1 - ever receive one of these emails???

all the years that i've spent messing with the telemarketers on my home phone worked sooo good that it's gotten to the point that we hardly receive any calls anymore. it was a lot of fun, quite entertaining but i do sorta miss the laughs.

sooo . . . i thought i'd see what would happen if i replied to a spam email.

i received this spam in my generic school research yahoo account which has none of my personal information attached, not even my name, so i thought "what the hey" and i sent off a reply never expecting a reply back. BUT they did reply . . . i never could have predicted that one simple little email would evolve into the hilarious story that it has become - it's about a ole hillbilly by the name of deuw who lives out in the hill country of west virginia

and he gets all involved in this international banking scam on the internet. this has turned out to be the craziest, funniest, weirdest writing that i've done in a long, long time.

a while back i started sending out segments of the story in email format to various friends across the nation (the goat herd) and they encouraged me to set it all up in a blog for anyone to enjoy.

some members of "the goat herd" had a difficult time understanding my writing as the character "deuw" but he actually writes words phonetically - the way that they sound. i call it deuw-speak. if my spell checker had practically every word underlined in red, then i knew that i had spelled everything correctly.

hope y'all get a good ole chuckle out of it all.



To: the goat herd
Subject: 1 - ever receive one of these emails???
Date: Mon, 26 May 2008 15:17:53 -0500

most likely, everyone has rec'd one of these spam emails. you know the ones: there is an abandoned bank account in some foreign country and an american account is needed to transfer the funds out of the foreign country . . . blah . . . blah . . . blah . . .

when i rec'd this spam email:

i thought: what the hay. they don't even know my real name.

i'm only sending excerpts of the original spam because this here MR JON KERTUSS can just go on and on and on about ". . . a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased depositor, a foreigner who died in october 1999 in a plane crash and the fund has been dormant in his account with the bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation . . . The amount involved is USD $14m (fourteen million united states dollars) . . ."

then MR JON KERTUSS goes on to say, ". . . As it may interest you to know, I got your impressive information through an international business enquiry on Internet. I beleive you will be viable and capable to champion a business of such magnitude without any problem . . ."

really??? what impressive information??? he doesn't even know my name . . . international business enquiry??? viable and capable???

the reason that MR JON KERTUSS needs an american bank account to transfer the funds is because " . . . of my position in this country as a civil servant, we are not allowed to operate a foreign account and would eventually raise an eyebrow on my side during the time of transfer because I work in this bank. This is the actual reason why it will require a second party or fellow who will forward claims as the next of kin with affidavit of trust of Oath to the bank and also present a foreign account where he will need the money to be re-transfered into, on his request as it may be after due verification and clarification to designated bank account . . ."

" . . . I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free . . ." OH REALLY?!?!?!?

sooo what's in it for me??? the hook, " . . . On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 30% of the total sum as gratification, while 10% will be set aside to take care of expenses that may be incurred during the time of transfer such as telephone bills etc, while 60% will be for me and my partners. Please, you have been advised to keep top-secret as we are still in service and intend to retire from service after we conclude this deal with you . . . "

TOP-SECRET?!?!?!? i wonder how many people they send this spam?

man oh man, this just seems like a deal that's just way to good to pass up. let's just see how professionally impressive i can make my reply to such a grand offer . . .


Date: January 31st 05:29:41 -0800 (PST)
From: "scottE"
To: "Jon W. Kertuss"

well now mr jon kertuss. u shore messt bee a trusten sowl kunsidern u dunt evin knowz me et awl. 30% uv 14m kood comez in rite handee two me.

i kood reelee inkrees mie goat hurd wit thet thare kind uv munee. hooo-weee.

whi i kood evin put up a grate big high elektronikel gawrd fens

two kep owt tham thare peskee kiowteez hoo iz awl thu timez a trien two et mie lil babee goat kidds.

dawgeez. thet thare kind uv munee shore duz sownd reel good.

copyright © 2008 - 940farms - all rights reserved


scottE-deuw said...

here is the original reply that deuw sent to mr jon kertuss written in deuw-speek:

Date: Thu, 31 Jan 2008 05:29:41 -0800 (PST)
From: scottE
To: Jon W. Kertuss

wael noew mr jon kertuss u shuer mest bee a tresten sowel kuncidern u dowent evn knoew mee etawl. 30% uv 14m kuwd coem en riet handee tu mee. i kuwd reelee enkress mi gowat hurd wit thet thaer kiend uv munee. whooo-weee. whi i kuwd evn puwet ep a graet bieg hiegh elektronikel gawrd fens tu kep owt thaem thaer peskee kiowtes whu iz awl thu tiem a trien tu et mi lil babee gowats. dawgeez. thet kiend uv munee shuer duz sowend reel guwd.

copyright © 2008 - 940farms - all rights reserved

Anonymous said...

From: drinkin buddy
Date: Thu, 8 Nov 2012 18:36:11 -0600

I luv the deuw speek. this is great.

scottE-deuw said...

whut wood u dew fer 30% uv 14milleun dollerz? i iz a thinkin thet thet thare kinda munnee kood comez in rite handee two me.